Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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