I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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