I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
