i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
