I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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