Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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