and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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