My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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