my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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