You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
