Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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