i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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