If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
