I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
