My hair reeks of homosexuality.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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