i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
