I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
