I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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