Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
