Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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