her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
