and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
