Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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