I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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