The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
