Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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