took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
