His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
