...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
