I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
