Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
