My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
