Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
