we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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