You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
