I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
