I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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