I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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