I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
