Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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