Betty ford says i'm here all night
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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