This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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