The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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