theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
