i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
