I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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