Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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