I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm really busy with my period
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