my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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