I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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