Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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