I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
