Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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