my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
