I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
