i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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