Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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