I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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