Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
