smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
