my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
