I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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