A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
