This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
