***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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