I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
