I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
