I'm going to jail i love you
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
