Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize